So, my mom has this friend...

Disclaimer to all of my future employers and New York University, to which I intend to apply for graduate school: If you must read this, please consider my exquisite command of the English language and not the content of this story. Thank you.

One of my mom's friends just told me a hilarious, mortifying story! I have a headache from laughing so hard. Unfortunately, I cannot adequately capture the hilarity of this story with written words, so you'll have to use your brilliant imagination to supplement what I've written.

My mom's friend was at work and felt the sudden urge to use the restroom. (Maybe this friend had eaten one too many prunes or maybe her intestines were just feeling vengeful that day. Who knows?) She fought valiantly to contain her bowels as she hop-skipped to the restroom. Unfortunately, her heroic efforts were in vain. Yes, the unthinkable happened...inside her underwear...and down her legs. With new found determination, she quickened her step and at last made it to her safe haven, the restroom. She rushed into a stall, closed the door, and analyzed the situation. There was no hope for her panties; they were dead on arrival. She threw them in the garbage. Next, she assessed her pants. They would definitely survive, but they were in critical condition and in need of immediate treatment. She had to wash them.

Picture this: She had to leave the privacy of her stall without underwear, holding her pants in her hands. She spot-scrubbed her pants in the sink, praying no one would walk in, for her own sake and theirs. Afterward, she returned to the stall to don her wet pants. Before returning to the workplace, she put her jacket on to cover the circle of wetness on the back of her pants. She warded off people's questions. "I'm cold!" she lied. She periodically touched the back of her pants to monitor the drying process. A pharmacist caught her! "Why do you keep touching your butt?!" he asked her, laughing.

Thankfully, my mom's friend has a good sense of humor. She was able to laugh about this later.

By the way, the friend in this story is not me. If this had happened to me, I would absolutely tell you. You see, I have no shame.

"Don't quote me on the hippo."

Tonight, after living together for over 2 1/2 years, I learned something new about my boyfriend, Tommy. While we were driving home from dinner, I learned that he is fiercely anti-koala bears. His hatred is unfounded. Unless you've personally been mauled by a koala, how could you hate a creature this cute?

"Once I realized they were fucking drug addicts," Tommy explained, "I was totally anti-koala!" My boyfriend explained to me that koalas only eat eucalyptus leaves, which he stated are addictive. "If they don't have eucalyptus, they don't eat. Koalas are vicious because they're always in withdrawal."

I taken aback by the degree of disgust evident in his voice. "Wow. You're really passing judgment," I observed. I pulled out a pen and paper and started recording our conversation for this blog. "You hate koalas!"

"I do!" he replied, emphatically. "You hear people saying, 'Aww, I want a baby koala,' but they don't know koalas are vicious drug addicts!"

"Baby koalas are cute!" (Another keen observation on my part.)

"Anyway, koalas are fucking drug addicts. That's all. That's my point. That's why they have such a nasty disposition. Oh, you know what else?! The hippopotamus! It has the same koala issue." Tommy saw that I was fervently writing down what he had just said. He added, uncertainly, "Don't quote me on the hippo."

When we got home I decided to see whether this "koala issue" was even true. I have Google set to auto suggest; as I begin typing in a search, Google shows related suggestions based on other users' common searches. Here's an actual screen shot I took of the result:

Um... "koalas for sale" and "koalas chlamydia"? I'm not quite sure what to say.

Please and Thank You

Dear Self,

Please be asleep within a half hour. You have nine hours of class tomorrow.

Yours truly,
Self

Chicken broccoli are my most like food too.

I am starving. In fact, my hunger pangs are so intense that I can't decide what to eat. I would gladly cook but there's no meat defrosted and I'm not an herbivorous rabbit.

I quickly went through the options in my mind: Pizza toppings without the crust initially appealed to me, but that feels more like a hasty snack than a meal. A nice bunless Whopper from Burger King came to mind, but I had a burger for dinner last night. Salad from Wendy's? Nah, I had that for lunch on Friday. The insides of a few tacos from Taco Bell? No, their "meat filling" is mostly starchy filler. Aha! How about Chinese takeout? Steamed chicken with broccoli, no sugary sauce, no starchy rice. I'll make my own low-carb stir fry sauce for it. Done! Chinese it is.

I rummaged through our drawers for a takeout menu. Nothing. I Googled "Chinese near 11727" and found Golden Wheel Chinese Restaurant, conveniently located 1.4 miles from our front door. The place happened to have two reviews so I skimmed through them. Spell check can only do so much.

Reviews:

1. "I have tried their food for 9 years already. Their service and the food always be good and fresh. The place always cleaner than anywhere, that's very important. I especially like Chicken Broccoli and General Tao's chicken. Cream cheese fried wonton and the white meat dumpling are our family's favorite appetizers. I came from city and is not easy for me to find the tast like there, that's the one. Very good."
2. "We can't wait to go back and they are the best.: They are our favourite chinese restaurant. Their sesame chicken and General Tsos's chicken, also the chicken broccoli are our most like food. Their place is so clean and their service is excellent which we ever seen in the other chinese place. Everytime we be there, their food is always fresh. They are family owned all the time."

My comments: 

1. I like it when food be good and fresh. I'm glad you've found the tast that's the one like there.
2. You mean they never temporarily sell the place for the weekend? I see... So they're family-owned all the time, not just on weekdays!

That's it, I'm convinced! I be there tonight.

Monday's Midterm Paper (and random tidbits about procrastination)

My policy on papers is that I absolutely, positively cannot start them until three days before they're due. (Last time I pushed it to 12 hours before the paper was due. I got four hours of sleep and an A.)

Sometimes I procrastinate by reading internet articles on how to avoid procrastination. Needless to say, none of those tips have worked.

Procrastination, here I come! ...Later.