Panthea Antheia

My roommates and I were talking about our Halloween costumes today. We're all dressing up as goddesses. One of my roommates is dressing up as a specific Hindu goddess who has blue skin, four arms, and a necklace made of human heads.

Wow, I thought to myself. My generic Greek goddess idea is woefully uninspired. Unfortunately, the only Greek goddesses I could think of off the top of my head were Aphrodite and Athena. I bet all the girls who want to be a unique goddess choose to be one of those two. Google to the rescue! I looked up "Greek goddesses" and began skimming lists of every goddess imaginable. (There's a virgin goddess of childbirth? Really? Who came up with that and thought it made sense?)

I discovered something unbelievable. Google, you are amazing! How have I gone 23 years without knowing there's a Greek goddess of flowers named Antheia?! And I found out just in time for Halloween! All I have to do is add flowers to my generic uninspired costume and tada! Instant creativity! (Every sentence in this paragraph ends with an exclamation point! Even this one!)

"Hi, my name is Panthea and I'm dressed as Antheia. No, I'm not making this up."

Perfect!

Who should I see to address this issue?

It's ten degrees* above freezing. This should be illegal. We must lobby Congress.

*Fahrenheit. I have no concept of Celcius other than water freezes at 0 and boils at 100.

I was born a baby chimpanzee.

I didn't think it was possible, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting hairier.

Those laser hair removal Groupons are becoming very appealing.

Digging up my roots.

Early this year when snow was still falling, I decided to give my black thumb one last chance at growing plants from seed. Real gardening supplies were not yet on store shelves, so I turned a styrofoam egg carton into a seed starter. I'd read that impatiens take a long time to start from seed, so I planted them early as recommended. My baby seedlings sprouted quickly. I watered and rotated those pups often so that they'd grow evenly. As soon as I could find seed starting kits, I bought a couple and planted those too. Seed trays were threatening to take over my dining room table.

My little green gems took a long time to grow leaves. About half of the plants died. I remained patient with my remaining young impatiens. Once it was warm enough outside, I began putting the trays out in the sun for increasingly long periods of time. After training the babies to live outdoors, I gave them new homes in pretty planters around the fence of the patio.

I watered and fertilized them often...and still no flowers bloomed. By this time, mature potted flowers were beginning to show up at stores everywhere. Some frauds stir water, oil, and eggs into cake mix and call themselves bakers. Not me! Similarly, I couldn't buy ready-made, just-add-water flowers and call myself a gardener. After what seemed like an eternity of looking at skimpy, flowerless stalks and leaves, I became impatient with my impatiens.

Yes, I did the unthinkable; I broke down and bought beautifully blossoming impatiens plants from the store! I came home and didn't even give my babies an explanation. I ripped them out of their pots and discarded their battered bloomless bodies in the woods just past the walkway that leads to the front door.

Without even giving them time to process what had just happened to them, I quickly replaced them with the bountiful new plants. The patio was instantly beautified and I was instantly satisfied.

Fast forward several months... I'm walking out of the door one morning to go to work. There in the woods, just past the walkway, I see the most beautiful bright flowers. They almost look like...impatiens. I realize that these used to be the barren, flowerless, pathetically skinny stalks that I ripped out in spring. I tore them out by their roots and tossed them into the woods like waste, expecting them to rot and degrade into the earth. They didn't. Their roots found a new home and flourished.

I'm no longer engaged to the person with whom I thought I'd build my life and my future. I've left what was my home. My roots are exposed now but I know they'll find their way soon enough.

My Friend's Divorce by Naomi Shihab Nye
I want her
To dig up
every plant
in her garden,
the pansies, the penta,
roses, rununculas,
thyme and the lilies,
the thing
nobody knows the name of,
unwind the morning glories
from the wire windows
of the fence,
take the blooming
and the almost-blooming
and the dormant,
especially the dormant,
and then
and then
plant them in her new yard
on the other side
of town
and see how
they breathe!

Life, you're really throwing me for a loop here.

Earthquake in northern Virginia (and apparently all along the east coast). Somewhere between a 5.5 and a 5.9 on the Richter scale. No damage.

I just started laughing.

Part of my life has been turned upside down. I'm dealing with it in the best way that I know how: to wallow briefly when necessary but then will myself to notice the beauty and love around me.

I'm so fortunate to have caring people in my life--family and friends. I'm thankful that I've learned to acknowledge and appreciate the good, even when I can't ignore the bad.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost:

The way a crow
Shook down on me
The dust of snow
From a hemlock tree

Has given my heart
A change of mood
And saved some part
Of a day I had rued.

Frankly, I'm reminded of many different poems and proverbs but this is the only one that isn't dreadfully cheesy.

Sexy car, stupid idea.

Last night Tommy showed me a picture in one of his car magazines. "The new Audi sports car comes with a fire extinguisher." Do you see it? It's in the lower right hand corner of this picture, where purses and feet are supposed to go.

"That's bad," I said. "Do they think you're going to need it?" It would probably be prudent to keep a fire extinguisher in one's car, but to sell a car with one? Are you telling me you expect my car to blow up while I'm in it?

I can just imagine some corporate suit pacing around the conference table at a design meeting, asking his staff, "How can we make this car just a little more badass? Brainstorm, people!" A few moments later... "I've got it! Let's put a fire extinguisher in the car! It'll say, 'I'm sexy, I'm hot, I'm dangerous!'" His cronies cheer and rally around him.

Everyone was afraid to tell their boss the truth: it's a stupid idea. When I'm in my car, I don't want to see anything associated with fire. Selling a car with a fire extinguisher is like including a free pregnancy test with every box of condoms.

Stupid.

In other news, I'm getting my hair cut today. Wish me luck.

There's a fine line between ambience and danger.

I just got to the spa where I get my nails done. They dim the lights for ambience but it's so friggin' dark in here that it takes a few minutes for my eyes to adjust.

The receptionist led me down a dark hallway. All I could see were the illuminated sconces. I followed closely so as not to run into any invisible walls. She stopped suddenly and invited me to take a seat.

I quickly scanned the room deep, dark void. I can't see any chairs, I thought.

"Go through that doorway," she encouraged me.

I don't effin' see a doorway! I didn't move or speak.

Finally, she pointed. Oh... I think I see an opening in the wall...

I successfully made it through the building without injury, but the point is turn up your damn lights. Thank you.

Complaint Department

I have three complaints for today.
1. Mother: You never reply to my emails. That's it, Ma. Your emails are going straight to my spam box from now on...until you reply to my last email with the video of the sneezing baby panda.

2. Most chain restaurants: When I ask for no bun on my burger, why do you take away my lettuce, tomato, pickles, and onions too?

3. NPR: I am so sick of your reports on the debt ceiling negotiations. (I crossed that out because everyone knows the government never negotiates anything.) Until August 2nd or until it's resolved, I don't care.

I'll balance out my complaints so as not to seem like a heartless jerk.
1. Salon: Thank you for rescheduling me with a different manicurist when I told you that I'm very picky about my French manicures. If I wanted a bad French, I'd do it myself.

2. World: I'm thankful that I have the luxury of being able to complain about such stupid things. There's a devastating famine in Somalia and here I am with a full belly and an upcoming nail appointment, complaining.

3. Flowers: Thank you for blooming in the small strip of woods between our condo and the golf course. I admire your beauty and perseverance every morning as I walk to my car. (Perseverance? Yes! Stay tuned for a blog entry about these flowers... Coming soon.)

Yeah... It's all for me.

I ordered food from the drive-thru and received two sets of utensils with my order, signifying that I ordered enough for two people.

Thank you for assuming I couldn't possibly eat this much food...but I can.