Half a box of tissues and a cupful of hand sanitizer.

I don't talk to myself. Talking to oneself is almost as weird as liking cats. Instead, I think to myself. I actually have silent monologues in my mind, using the pronouns "you" and "I" interchangeably. (Okay, maybe that's slightly weird.) When I'm the only one home, I hardly make any noise at all, other than the occasional "ow" from veering too far to one side of a doorway and not quite clearing the door frame.

I woke up one morning last week and made it through half the day without using my vocal chords. Early in the afternoon, I abstractedly* started to hum to myself. I was hardly cognizant of my humming until I realized that no sound was coming out! What?! Sure, I had (and still have) a cold but my voice has never gone wimpy on me like that! Determined, I tried harder. Nothing. A faint squeak, maybe. I mean, I really struggled to hum. My eyebrows were probably furrowed together with concentration. I wondered if I'd lost my voice completely. Since talking to oneself is weird, I refused to test out my voice by speaking. I continued the labored effort to hum. After my vocal chords revved up a bit, more squeaks started coming out. Soon I was able to screech every beat of the song I was humming although it sounded warped, the way a cassette tape wails when it's been played too many times. Still, my voice wasn't dead. Relieved, I went back to doing the laundry.

That evening my boyfriend called from work. I answered the phone, "SQUEAK-lo?" [Hello?] I quietly told him I wasn't able to speak normally. He asked me to test out my signature banshee cry "Woop! Woop!" So I did...and he didn't hear it because nothing came out. Refusing to fail, I tried several more times, eventually working up to a shrill yet grating "Ooo! Ooo!"

Anyway, it's been a few days now and although I can speak, I sound like Kermit the Frog. About a half hour after getting to work this morning the head pharmacist said to me, "Panthea, you sound like shit. Are you sure you need to be here?" I stuck through my shift. I generally despise life when I'm sick, but with this cold it's different. Other than the fact that my head feels like an inflated balloon (just pressure, no pain), I feel fine. Seriously, just chop my head off and I'll feel normal again...except I won't have a head.

*P.S. Don't be fooled into thinking I have an interminable** vocabulary. That was my first time using the word "abstractedly." I spoke to a very helpful dinosaur named Thesaurus. Crafty, right?

**P.P.S. That was my first time using the word "interminable" too. Feel free to correct my usage if necessary.