"It was awesome!"

Have you ever known someone who has had abdominal surgery? This includes C-sections too--any surgery that requires cutting through the abdominal muscles. If so, you may have heard them say during recovery that they never realized how often they use their abs just doing everyday tasks. Bear with me as I get to the point. Exactly a week ago I had all four of my impacted wisdom teeth removed. I never realized how often I hit myself in the face doing everyday tasks until last Wednesday! A few hours after the procedure, I lay down in bed, drowsy from the pain medication. I pulled the flat sheet and blanket over me and closed my eyes. My eyelids must be very thin because the room was too bright for me, even with the blinds closed. I tried to pull the covers over my head for darkness. When I make the bed I like tucking the top sheet and the blanket under the foot of the mattress. Well, I guess I did an exceptional job that morning because the covers wouldn't budge past my chest. Determined, I yanked that damn blanket towards the headboard with brute force! I lost my grip and my hand went flying. I ended up punching myself in the cheek. Ouch! I warned myself not to do that again.

I didn't learn from my mistake. The same thing happened several times over the next few days, even when the covers weren't stuck! Several times I gently pulled the blanket up but my brain failed to send the STOP signal to my hand. Collision! My jaw stopped my hand. I was getting dressed one day last week. I have no idea how, but in the process of putting my left bra strap over my shoulder, I ended up punching the right side of my jaw. I still don't understand it.

I was awake during the extractions. This was my first dental procedure other than regular cleanings, Zoom teeth whitening, and the filling of a cavity in a baby tooth when I was much younger and even shorter than I am now. I really didn't know what to expect. I'd never had nitrous oxide and I don't remember getting novocaine injections when my cavity was filled. The oral surgeon turned on my laughing gas, gave it a moment to kick in, and then pumped my gums full of novocaine while I squeezed the hand of the female assistant. The injections really didn't hurt but my eyes still teared up for some reason. The oral surgeon and his assistants left me alone for a while to let the novocaine injections take effect. My fingers were tingling from the gas and I felt pretty chipper and calm. I remember looking around the room and reading the various oral health posters on the wall. It struck me that although I felt buzzy, I was still fully coherent. I actually thought to myself, "I could text message right now and make sense. I'm so coherent I could do a spelling bee!" Perhaps that's a sign that I wasn't totally there. What do you think?

During the surgery, the surgeon and his two assistants started talking about Family Guy. I chuckled through my wide open mouth. "Do you watch Family Guy?" the surgeon asked me. (He has a lot of experience asking yes or no questions, I guess.)

"Uhn-hnn," I answered. As soon as they finished up and took all the tools out of my mouth, I started to share a story about Family Guy. "Mah bofenz cuthin..." My mouth and lips were completely numb so I couldn't speak properly. "Nehvoh mahnd. Oo can't unnerstan meh."

The staff assured me that they could understand me, saying something along the lines of "We're fluent in Mumblese."

So I continued, "Mah bofenz cuthin had a behbeh a yeh ago..."

One of the assistants translated. "Your boyfriend's cousin had a baby a year ago?"

"Uhn-hnn. And dohwing her pwegnanceh she cawd deh behbeh Stewie."

"During the pregnancy she called the baby Stewie?" I nodded and they laughed. Stewie is a football-headed, witty, cynical baby on the show, in case you don't watch it.

I walked to the waiting room where my boyfriend Tommy was sitting. I didn't know it at the time, but my mouth was stuffed with gauze so I couldn't close it all the way. I remember thinking to myself, "I can't tell if my lips are closed or not." I was grinning like a maniac. Tommy gave me a gentle kiss and asked how it went. "It wuhz awthum!"