My brain eez not good for mat.

Here's a collection of random things that made me laugh. Enjoy!

From time to time I check the traffic statistics for my blog. Somehow, someone found my blog by searching for "baby chimpanzee born in 2011." Sorry, dude. You have the wrong chimp. This chimpanzee was born in 1988.

Me: "My blog has only had 2,600 page views."
Mom: "In 5 years?"
Me: "1 year."
Mom: "26,000 eez a lot."
Me: "It's 2,600."
Mom: "Vut's anodder zero?"
Me: "Another zero is a difference of 18,000."
Mom, after a pause: "Your mat eez not good."
Me: "My mat?"
Mom: "Mat!"
Me, confused: "What mat?"
Mom: "Your brain...eez not good for mat."
Me: "Oh, math! Yeah, you're right. It would be a difference of 20,000."
My calculator has informed me that I'm still wrong.

One of my classmates asked this question during class: "Isn't it illegal to smoke weed while driving?"
Yes, and it's also illegal to smoke weed while not driving.


At my pharmacy job: "Good afternoon, XYZ Pharmacy."
"Hi, do you fill prescriptions there?"
Hmm...

A customer asked the pharmacist if there was any drug that could help reduce coughing caused by smoking cigarettes. "I can't ask my doctor because he'll just tell me to stop smoking," the customer explained. If you smoke, you won't find this funny.

My dad, misreading a menu: "Jalapeno pepper poopers."
That doesn't sound appetizing.

Watching the National Dog Show on Thanksgiving: "You know why the carpet's not green?" my dad asked, chuckling. Get it?

My mom looked at me and started laughing. "I vuz just tinking...if your arm vuz a buffalo ving, it vould be de juicy plump part." See also: Shit My Mom Says.

That's Irby on top. Daisy's the little one.

My mom shrieked, "Daisy peed in my closet!"
"How do you know it was Daisy?" I asked.
She replied, annoyed, "I deedn't pee, deed you?!"
"No..." I frowned slightly, furrowed my brows, and shook my head. "I mean, how do you know it wasn't Irby?"
"Oh! Heh, heh! Because eet vuz just a leedle bee of pee." (translation: a little bit of pee)