My brain eez not good for mat.

Here's a collection of random things that made me laugh. Enjoy!

From time to time I check the traffic statistics for my blog. Somehow, someone found my blog by searching for "baby chimpanzee born in 2011." Sorry, dude. You have the wrong chimp. This chimpanzee was born in 1988.

Me: "My blog has only had 2,600 page views."
Mom: "In 5 years?"
Me: "1 year."
Mom: "26,000 eez a lot."
Me: "It's 2,600."
Mom: "Vut's anodder zero?"
Me: "Another zero is a difference of 18,000."
Mom, after a pause: "Your mat eez not good."
Me: "My mat?"
Mom: "Mat!"
Me, confused: "What mat?"
Mom: "Your brain...eez not good for mat."
Me: "Oh, math! Yeah, you're right. It would be a difference of 20,000."
My calculator has informed me that I'm still wrong.

One of my classmates asked this question during class: "Isn't it illegal to smoke weed while driving?"
Yes, and it's also illegal to smoke weed while not driving.


At my pharmacy job: "Good afternoon, XYZ Pharmacy."
"Hi, do you fill prescriptions there?"
Hmm...

A customer asked the pharmacist if there was any drug that could help reduce coughing caused by smoking cigarettes. "I can't ask my doctor because he'll just tell me to stop smoking," the customer explained. If you smoke, you won't find this funny.

My dad, misreading a menu: "Jalapeno pepper poopers."
That doesn't sound appetizing.

Watching the National Dog Show on Thanksgiving: "You know why the carpet's not green?" my dad asked, chuckling. Get it?

My mom looked at me and started laughing. "I vuz just tinking...if your arm vuz a buffalo ving, it vould be de juicy plump part." See also: Shit My Mom Says.

That's Irby on top. Daisy's the little one.

My mom shrieked, "Daisy peed in my closet!"
"How do you know it was Daisy?" I asked.
She replied, annoyed, "I deedn't pee, deed you?!"
"No..." I frowned slightly, furrowed my brows, and shook my head. "I mean, how do you know it wasn't Irby?"
"Oh! Heh, heh! Because eet vuz just a leedle bee of pee." (translation: a little bit of pee)

My body woke up earlier than my mind.

I kept hitting the snooze button on my alarm today. I was tired! Sometimes I cut a deal to encourage myself to get out of bed in the morning when I'm still sleepy. Self, I think to myself, If you get out of bed now, you can take a nap later. Deal!

It was later than I'd anticipated when I finally got out of bed. I set up the Keurig to brew a cup of coffee while I brushed my teeth. It was almost 8:10. It takes me 20 minutes to drive to my internship--I was on the verge of being late! I didn't have time to put on any make up. I grabbed my coffee and my cosmetic bag and ran out the door. My heel caught the hem of my pants and I nearly tripped as I ran down the stairs outside my apartment. I almost just died!, I jokingly thought to myself.

While driving, I remembered that I had to pick up a newspaper for a current events group I facilitate. I figured I would stop at a deli that's just around the corner from my internship to buy the paper. It might delay me by--what? A minute? As I got closer to the deli, I saw that it was shuttered. A "For Lease" sign was on the window. Ugh! I'd definitely be late if I turned around and went to 7-Eleven in the opposite direction! Oh well. I'll just have to use some of my lunch time to go buy a paper, I grudgingly concluded.

I pulled into the parking lot at my internship just barely in time at 8:27. The parking lot was nearly empty. That's weird. I looked at the clock again. It's almost 8:30! Where is everyone?!

Then it hit me. Work starts at 9. I've been there for three months now. It always starts at 9.