My brain eez not good for mat.

Here's a collection of random things that made me laugh. Enjoy!

From time to time I check the traffic statistics for my blog. Somehow, someone found my blog by searching for "baby chimpanzee born in 2011." Sorry, dude. You have the wrong chimp. This chimpanzee was born in 1988.

Me: "My blog has only had 2,600 page views."
Mom: "In 5 years?"
Me: "1 year."
Mom: "26,000 eez a lot."
Me: "It's 2,600."
Mom: "Vut's anodder zero?"
Me: "Another zero is a difference of 18,000."
Mom, after a pause: "Your mat eez not good."
Me: "My mat?"
Mom: "Mat!"
Me, confused: "What mat?"
Mom: "Your brain...eez not good for mat."
Me: "Oh, math! Yeah, you're right. It would be a difference of 20,000."
My calculator has informed me that I'm still wrong.

One of my classmates asked this question during class: "Isn't it illegal to smoke weed while driving?"
Yes, and it's also illegal to smoke weed while not driving.


At my pharmacy job: "Good afternoon, XYZ Pharmacy."
"Hi, do you fill prescriptions there?"
Hmm...

A customer asked the pharmacist if there was any drug that could help reduce coughing caused by smoking cigarettes. "I can't ask my doctor because he'll just tell me to stop smoking," the customer explained. If you smoke, you won't find this funny.

My dad, misreading a menu: "Jalapeno pepper poopers."
That doesn't sound appetizing.

Watching the National Dog Show on Thanksgiving: "You know why the carpet's not green?" my dad asked, chuckling. Get it?

My mom looked at me and started laughing. "I vuz just tinking...if your arm vuz a buffalo ving, it vould be de juicy plump part." See also: Shit My Mom Says.

That's Irby on top. Daisy's the little one.

My mom shrieked, "Daisy peed in my closet!"
"How do you know it was Daisy?" I asked.
She replied, annoyed, "I deedn't pee, deed you?!"
"No..." I frowned slightly, furrowed my brows, and shook my head. "I mean, how do you know it wasn't Irby?"
"Oh! Heh, heh! Because eet vuz just a leedle bee of pee." (translation: a little bit of pee)

My body woke up earlier than my mind.

I kept hitting the snooze button on my alarm today. I was tired! Sometimes I cut a deal to encourage myself to get out of bed in the morning when I'm still sleepy. Self, I think to myself, If you get out of bed now, you can take a nap later. Deal!

It was later than I'd anticipated when I finally got out of bed. I set up the Keurig to brew a cup of coffee while I brushed my teeth. It was almost 8:10. It takes me 20 minutes to drive to my internship--I was on the verge of being late! I didn't have time to put on any make up. I grabbed my coffee and my cosmetic bag and ran out the door. My heel caught the hem of my pants and I nearly tripped as I ran down the stairs outside my apartment. I almost just died!, I jokingly thought to myself.

While driving, I remembered that I had to pick up a newspaper for a current events group I facilitate. I figured I would stop at a deli that's just around the corner from my internship to buy the paper. It might delay me by--what? A minute? As I got closer to the deli, I saw that it was shuttered. A "For Lease" sign was on the window. Ugh! I'd definitely be late if I turned around and went to 7-Eleven in the opposite direction! Oh well. I'll just have to use some of my lunch time to go buy a paper, I grudgingly concluded.

I pulled into the parking lot at my internship just barely in time at 8:27. The parking lot was nearly empty. That's weird. I looked at the clock again. It's almost 8:30! Where is everyone?!

Then it hit me. Work starts at 9. I've been there for three months now. It always starts at 9.

So there!

As I type this, I'm somewhere in New Jersey, driving about 60 miles per hour. Well, I'm not the one driving but "riding" 60 miles per hour doesn't sound right. The bus I'm on from New York to northern Virginia has WiFi ("wife-ee" or "wee-fye" as my mom calls it). I know, my thoughts exactly; technology is awesome.

Enough background information. Let me get to the point. Of the fifty-plus people aboard this bus, I think the bus driver and I are the only ones wearing our seat belts. If you're like me, you're thinking to yourself, "Every seat on that bus has a seat belt? That's awesome!" If you're like most people, you're wondering why I bothered with this silly life-saving contraption.

Remember when some cars had seat belts that you never had to unbuckle? The seat belt would move away from across your chest when you opened the door. (Thinking back on it, maybe that wasn't such a good idea. If the door were to fly open during the crash...well, there goes my seat belt with it!) Anyway, my mom had one of those cars. I remember nothing about the car other than it had those seat belts. This is just my hypothesis, but I think the way that car automatically buckled me up every time I sat down conditioned me to appreciate that buckled-up sense of security.

As soon as I get into my car I shut the door, engage the locks, and put on my seat belt. I fasten my seat belt before I even put the key in the ignition. Let's say I'm just getting in my car to change parking spots. I still automatically put on my seat belt. (I don't know why I'd randomly decide to change parking spots. I just couldn't think of a good example. Feel free to offer suggestions.) Let's say someone else is driving. They park, turn off the car, and run into the store while I wait. At no point would the thought of unbuckling my seat belt cross my mind. In the past I've occasionally gone to my car between classes to take a power nap. Yep... Seat belt on.

I just love seat belts. I can't get enough. So that's weird bus/car/motor-vehicle-with-a-seat-belt habit number one.

This brings me to weird bus behavior number two. I took a nap in the beginning of this bus ride. Before falling asleep, I put my coat on backwards--Snuggie style--so it would act as a blanket (normal). I also pulled the hood up over my face (bordering on weird...or definitely weird). Here's the thing. The overhead lights are off. Every single individual reading light on the bus is also off...except for the one belonging to the girl in the seat directly in front of me. (In her defense, she is in fact reading.) Now, I don't know if I have abnormally thin eyelids or if I have a melatonin deficiency, but even a tiny amount of light negatively impacts my sleep. That's why I wore my coat and hood backwards.

I don't care if I look like the shady misanthrope on the bus (every bus has at least one) with my seat belt, backwards coat, and hood covered face. You know why? Because I'm warm, I was able to take a delightful power nap without the overhead lights inhibiting my melatonin production, and if this bus crashes the driver and I will be able to unbuckle our seat belts and run to safety. The rest of these people will be SOL.

Panthea Antheia

My roommates and I were talking about our Halloween costumes today. We're all dressing up as goddesses. One of my roommates is dressing up as a specific Hindu goddess who has blue skin, four arms, and a necklace made of human heads.

Wow, I thought to myself. My generic Greek goddess idea is woefully uninspired. Unfortunately, the only Greek goddesses I could think of off the top of my head were Aphrodite and Athena. I bet all the girls who want to be a unique goddess choose to be one of those two. Google to the rescue! I looked up "Greek goddesses" and began skimming lists of every goddess imaginable. (There's a virgin goddess of childbirth? Really? Who came up with that and thought it made sense?)

I discovered something unbelievable. Google, you are amazing! How have I gone 23 years without knowing there's a Greek goddess of flowers named Antheia?! And I found out just in time for Halloween! All I have to do is add flowers to my generic uninspired costume and tada! Instant creativity! (Every sentence in this paragraph ends with an exclamation point! Even this one!)

"Hi, my name is Panthea and I'm dressed as Antheia. No, I'm not making this up."

Perfect!

Who should I see to address this issue?

It's ten degrees* above freezing. This should be illegal. We must lobby Congress.

*Fahrenheit. I have no concept of Celcius other than water freezes at 0 and boils at 100.

I was born a baby chimpanzee.

I didn't think it was possible, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting hairier.

Those laser hair removal Groupons are becoming very appealing.

Digging up my roots.

Early this year when snow was still falling, I decided to give my black thumb one last chance at growing plants from seed. Real gardening supplies were not yet on store shelves, so I turned a styrofoam egg carton into a seed starter. I'd read that impatiens take a long time to start from seed, so I planted them early as recommended. My baby seedlings sprouted quickly. I watered and rotated those pups often so that they'd grow evenly. As soon as I could find seed starting kits, I bought a couple and planted those too. Seed trays were threatening to take over my dining room table.

My little green gems took a long time to grow leaves. About half of the plants died. I remained patient with my remaining young impatiens. Once it was warm enough outside, I began putting the trays out in the sun for increasingly long periods of time. After training the babies to live outdoors, I gave them new homes in pretty planters around the fence of the patio.

I watered and fertilized them often...and still no flowers bloomed. By this time, mature potted flowers were beginning to show up at stores everywhere. Some frauds stir water, oil, and eggs into cake mix and call themselves bakers. Not me! Similarly, I couldn't buy ready-made, just-add-water flowers and call myself a gardener. After what seemed like an eternity of looking at skimpy, flowerless stalks and leaves, I became impatient with my impatiens.

Yes, I did the unthinkable; I broke down and bought beautifully blossoming impatiens plants from the store! I came home and didn't even give my babies an explanation. I ripped them out of their pots and discarded their battered bloomless bodies in the woods just past the walkway that leads to the front door.

Without even giving them time to process what had just happened to them, I quickly replaced them with the bountiful new plants. The patio was instantly beautified and I was instantly satisfied.

Fast forward several months... I'm walking out of the door one morning to go to work. There in the woods, just past the walkway, I see the most beautiful bright flowers. They almost look like...impatiens. I realize that these used to be the barren, flowerless, pathetically skinny stalks that I ripped out in spring. I tore them out by their roots and tossed them into the woods like waste, expecting them to rot and degrade into the earth. They didn't. Their roots found a new home and flourished.

I'm no longer engaged to the person with whom I thought I'd build my life and my future. I've left what was my home. My roots are exposed now but I know they'll find their way soon enough.

My Friend's Divorce by Naomi Shihab Nye
I want her
To dig up
every plant
in her garden,
the pansies, the penta,
roses, rununculas,
thyme and the lilies,
the thing
nobody knows the name of,
unwind the morning glories
from the wire windows
of the fence,
take the blooming
and the almost-blooming
and the dormant,
especially the dormant,
and then
and then
plant them in her new yard
on the other side
of town
and see how
they breathe!

Life, you're really throwing me for a loop here.

Earthquake in northern Virginia (and apparently all along the east coast). Somewhere between a 5.5 and a 5.9 on the Richter scale. No damage.

I just started laughing.

Part of my life has been turned upside down. I'm dealing with it in the best way that I know how: to wallow briefly when necessary but then will myself to notice the beauty and love around me.

I'm so fortunate to have caring people in my life--family and friends. I'm thankful that I've learned to acknowledge and appreciate the good, even when I can't ignore the bad.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost:

The way a crow
Shook down on me
The dust of snow
From a hemlock tree

Has given my heart
A change of mood
And saved some part
Of a day I had rued.

Frankly, I'm reminded of many different poems and proverbs but this is the only one that isn't dreadfully cheesy.

Sexy car, stupid idea.

Last night Tommy showed me a picture in one of his car magazines. "The new Audi sports car comes with a fire extinguisher." Do you see it? It's in the lower right hand corner of this picture, where purses and feet are supposed to go.

"That's bad," I said. "Do they think you're going to need it?" It would probably be prudent to keep a fire extinguisher in one's car, but to sell a car with one? Are you telling me you expect my car to blow up while I'm in it?

I can just imagine some corporate suit pacing around the conference table at a design meeting, asking his staff, "How can we make this car just a little more badass? Brainstorm, people!" A few moments later... "I've got it! Let's put a fire extinguisher in the car! It'll say, 'I'm sexy, I'm hot, I'm dangerous!'" His cronies cheer and rally around him.

Everyone was afraid to tell their boss the truth: it's a stupid idea. When I'm in my car, I don't want to see anything associated with fire. Selling a car with a fire extinguisher is like including a free pregnancy test with every box of condoms.

Stupid.

In other news, I'm getting my hair cut today. Wish me luck.